It has recently come to my attention that no chapstick is safe in my house. The life span of chapstick is about 2.4 days. All my kids, especially in the winter months, suffer from very chapped lips, and a stick of chapstick is better than a brick of butter to rub on the lips. (Yes, I have to tell my kids this.) So I regularly buy chapstick by the gross and ration them out a few days at a time. However, they go into the kids pockets, and inevetably, they toss their jeans into the wash and the chapstick gets extra clean. If mommy is doing the laundry, I will check most of thier pockets, but my 6 year old has a million pairs of pants a week. She changes every two hours, and deems every pair that she buttons on as "dirty" when she takes them off, no matter how long she wore them. So, I miss the only pocket where the chapstick is hiding from me.
Silly chapstick.
If I find the chapstick after the wash, all is well. The stick is good, albeit a little wet, but no harm no foul.
Its the Dryer that will DESTROY you, Chappie.
After a cycle in the dryer, the chapstick is no more. No residue, no remaines. Just a hollow tube of empty memories. Ocasionally you can see the oils stained all over the shirts in the laundry, but this only happens when one of my shirts is in there. And nothing will get that stain out, believe me.
The number of empty tubes I have pulled out of the dryer... Im starting a collection. Maybe I can sell them on E-Bay: "500 Empty Chapstick tubes - Empty yet only slightly used - a rare mystery!"
Not a large market for it, Im sure.
Well, Chapstick is not the only thing that risks its life when it enters my house. Crayons are at risk of being stripped naked by my two year old. (Why? I have no idea, but I think she has an obsession with nakedness. At least, that is the impression I got when she shook her booty at me and said "Naked Ashley, naked Ashley" over and over as we got her ready for a bath.) Those poor nude crayons are then lined up standing like dominoes by said nudist and one is dubbed the "Mommy" crayon, one the "Daddy" theres usually a baby crayon and granparent crayons, and the rest just get to play along. I feel bad for them. Stripped of their wrappings and used in an unusual manner. Sad.
Also, any tiara that can be found is broken, and mostly because my two year old and my six year old literally fight over them and pull them from each other until they break. Princesses, indeed. More like royal pains.
I often have to rescue markers, tape, and power tools from the clutches of my thirteen year old who lives by the principle "Ask forgiveness, not permission." There has been more than one occasion I have ran from the house yelling, allerted by the noise of a lawn mower or other equipment, only to find my son at the controls with some evil gleam in his eye... why are you chasing the chat with the lawnmower? oh, I see, youre just mowing the driveway, okay...
And then theres Mommys stuff. With all the scattered litter of toys, stuffed animals, playclothes, and books that my kids have, NOTHING is as fascinating as mommys toys. And when I say "toys," I mean "Thats not a toy!"
Mommys Cell phone is a favorite. At the age of 5 months my youngest tried to place a call to Spain. And now that I have an I phone, it just may be considered a toy to them, but still. This one is Mommys toy.
Mommys treadmill is another favorite. "Can I run on it, mommy?" why dont you just run outside? Oh, its not as fun. Yes, running in the basement near the Cat Litter box is super fun. Staring at the wall. Fighting the inquisitive toddler off by performing gentle yet highly effective Kempo kicks. You want to burn some calories? Go clean your toys up as fast as you can. (they never fall for that one.)
Oh, that brings us to mommys Timer. Nothing fancy, just a timer, but OMG, is this the coolest thing ever. EVERY little thing that my Ashley wants to do is just "5 more minutes mommy. Get my timer?" I wanna play more, I wanna read more, I wanna poop more. (yes, I have actually heard that last one. MANY times.) **Sigh**
And the car keys, I mean, come ON! These things ROCK! You hold that red button down, and not only does the car play a funny song, but you are GUARANTEED to get immediate attention. Who wouldnt love that!
There comes a day when you have to say "you know, I just gonna let that one go." I'll just buy more Chapstick, strip the crayons once and you wont have to do it later, Im pretty sure the Easter Bunny willl bing you a new Tiara, the Lawn Mower is out of gas (someone drained it...) and hey, that window you broke playing lacrosse? its only the second one. so, we're good! Home owners insurance time!
One day they will grow up, they will keep track of thier chapstick, they will toss out the tiaras, and they will beg me for an Iphone. Until that day comes, Chapstick beware.
No comments:
Post a Comment